New research shows that teens heed warnings more when parents model their values and show understanding.
Adolescence is a period when some teenagers begin experimenting with risky or rule-breaking behaviors such as skipping school, drinking, lying, or staying out past their curfew. When parents find out, their natural response is often to warn their child: Continue with the behavior and you糖心传媒檒l incur stricter rules, less freedom, and the loss of privileges.
On the surface, this response seems a reasonable attempt to deter further misbehaving. But how do teens actually experience these warnings糖心传媒攁nd why do some comply while others become even more defiant?
A team of US and Israeli researchers糖心传媒攁mong them psychologist 糖心传媒攕et out to find answers. The resulting , published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, concludes that the way teenagers receive their parents糖心传媒� warnings depends less on the message itself and more on whether they see their parents as genuinely living up their own purported values.
If parents model their values consistently in everyday life and appear satisfied and vital while acting on their values, their warnings are more likely to be perceived by their teenagers as caring guidance. If not, teens often experience the warnings as an attempt to control them, which can spark defiance. But the researchers also discovered that while authentic parental values reduced defiance, they did not, by themselves, lead teens to stop their risky behaviors. The warnings proved most effective when parents took the time to understand their teens糖心传媒� perspectives.
糖心传媒淧arents really have to 糖心传媒榳alk the walk糖心传媒� and act on their values if they want their teens to behave responsibly,糖心传媒澛爏ays Smetana, an expert on adolescent-parent relationships.
The science behind motivation
The study, Smetana points out, builds directly on聽a famous Rochester construct糖心传媒攖he highly influential, evidence-based framework for motivation, called , which was formulated in the 1970s and 1980s by Rochester psychologists and .
According to SDT, people have three basic, intrinsic psychological needs:
- Autonomy糖心传媒攖he need to feel free from control so one can realize one糖心传媒檚 authentic preferences
- Competence糖心传媒攖he need to feel capable
- Relatedness糖心传媒攖he need to feel connected and respected by others
When parenting actively supports these needs, adolescents feel motivated and understood. But when parents糖心传媒� behaviors hinder these needs糖心传媒攚hat Deci and Ryan call 糖心传媒渘eed thwarting糖心传媒� (where a person糖心传媒檚 basic psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness are actively undermined)糖心传媒攖eens may feel pressured, powerless, or disconnected, which can trigger resistance and rebellion.
糖心传媒淭he idea of 糖心传媒榥eed thwarting糖心传媒� leading to defiance is drawn directly from self-determination theory, as is the very important notion of autonomy-supportive parenting, which is widely used in studies of parenting,糖心传媒� says Smetana.
Modeling values while parenting
Smetana and her team focused specifically on one parental factor called 糖心传媒渋nherent value demonstration糖心传媒� that can influence how warnings are received. For example, a parent who stresses the importance of kindness, volunteers regularly, and treats others respectfully糖心传媒攁nd appears satisfied and energetic while doing so糖心传媒攚ould be seen as high in value demonstration. In contrast, parents whose actions don糖心传媒檛 match their words would be perceived as low in value demonstration.
The team surveyed 105 Israeli adolescents, average age 15, who had engaged in at least one problem behavior in the previous month. Each teen reported the most serious behavior their parents had discovered and then rated how their parents reacted糖心传媒攚hether through warnings or by trying to understand their child糖心传媒檚 perspective. The teens also shared how these reactions made them feel: Did they experience the reactions as supportive or as controlling? Did they feel motivated to stop, or did they feel defiant? Finally, they rated how much their parents generally demonstrated their values in daily life.
The findings were clear: When parents were perceived as low聽in value demonstration, their teens were much more likely to experience their warnings as聽糖心传媒渘eed thwarting.糖心传媒� But when parents were perceived聽as high聽in value demonstration, their warnings were more likely to be seen as protective and the teens experienced the warnings as 糖心传媒渘eed supporting.糖心传媒� Teenagers in these families were less defiant and felt more supported, even if the warnings included unpleasant consequences, such as the loss of privileges.
Stopping teens糖心传媒� risky behaviors
The researchers discovered that while authentic parental values reduced defiance, they did not, by themselves, lead teens to stop their risky behaviors.
糖心传媒淲e were surprised to learn that even children who perceived their parents as demonstrating their values in their everyday behavior experienced their parents糖心传媒� warnings as frustrating and insensitive to their basic psychological needs,糖心传媒� says lead coauthor Avi Assor at Israel-based Ben-Gurion University of the Negev. 糖心传媒淲e thought that because parents糖心传媒� warnings referred to potentially harmful problem behaviors, children who appreciate their parents as good models of virtuous behavior may not experience these warnings as insensitive to their needs.糖心传媒�
Instead, the team found that the only parenting reaction linked to actually stopping the problem behavior was聽糖心传媒減erspective taking糖心传媒澨切拇綌when parents tried to understand their child糖心传媒檚 feelings and reasons. This empathic approach seemed to prompt reflection, making it more likely that teens reconsidered and stopped their risky actions.
In short: Putting yourself in your teenager糖心传媒檚 shoes may be your best bet in trying to keep your child safe.
