Are you good at reading your partner糖心传媒檚 emotions? Your perceptiveness may very well strengthen your relationship. Yet when anger or contempt enter the fray, little is to be gained and the quality of your relationship tanks, researchers find.
A by a team of psychologists from the 糖心传媒 and the tried to figure out聽under what circumstances the ability to read another person糖心传媒檚 emotions糖心传媒攚hat psychologists call 糖心传媒渆mpathic accuracy糖心传媒澨切拇綌is beneficial for a relationship and when it could be harmful. The study examined whether the accurate perception of a romantic partner糖心传媒檚 emotions has any bearing on the quality of a relationship and a person糖心传媒檚 motivation to change when a romantic partner asks for a change in behavior or attitude.
While prior research on empathic accuracy had yielded mixed findings, the new study shows that couples who accurately perceive appeasement emotions, such as embarrassment,聽have better relationships than those couples where dominance emotions, such as anger or contempt, are present. The perception may be on the part of 聽the person requesting the change, or the person receiving the request.
Lead author , an assistant professor in the , says the team zeroed in on how accurately deciphering聽 different types of emotions affects relationship quality.
糖心传媒淚f you accurately perceive threatening displays from your partner, it can shake your confidence in a relationship,糖心传媒� says Le, who conducted the research while a postdoctoral fellow at the
Why is the ability to change important for a partnership?
Even in the best relationships, partners invariably experience conflict. One way to tackle conflict, researchers argue, is to ask a partner to change by, for example, spending less money, losing weight, making changes to a couple糖心传媒檚 sex life, or resetting life goals. Yet, requesting such personal (and sometimes threatening) change can elicit negative emotions and put a strain on a relationship. That糖心传媒檚 why figuring out how best to navigate emotionally charged situations is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship.
Key findings
- Couples who accurately perceive appeasement emotions糖心传媒攅ither as the person requesting the change or the person receiving the request糖心传媒攈ave better relationships.
- Couples where either partner feels negative emotions, regardless of whether those emotions are accurately perceived by the partner, have poorer relationships.
- Accuracy in reading another person糖心传媒檚 emotions does not increase the motivation to heed a partner糖心传媒檚 request for change.
糖心传媒淚f you are appeasing with your partner糖心传媒攐r feel embarrassed or bashful糖心传媒攁nd your partner accurately picks up on this, it can signal to your partner聽that you care about their feelings and recognize a change request might be hurtful,糖心传媒� Le says. 糖心传媒淥r if your partner is angry or contemptuous糖心传媒攚hat we call dominance emotions糖心传媒攖hat signals very different, negative information that may hurt a partner if they accurately perceive it.糖心传媒�
The team糖心传媒攂esides Rochester糖心传媒檚 Le糖心传媒攊s made up of 聽of the University of Toronto’s Rotman School of Management; and and , both from the . They discovered that the聽type聽of negative emotion detected聽matters:聽if you read in your partner糖心传媒檚 expression softer emotions糖心传媒攕uch as sadness, shame, or embarrassment糖心传媒攜ou generally enjoy a strong relationship. One possible reason is that these so-called 糖心传媒渁ppeasement emotions糖心传媒� are read as signals of concern for the partner糖心传媒檚 feelings.
In contrast, and contrary to the researchers糖心传媒� original hypothesis, simply feeling anger or contempt糖心传媒攅motions that signal blame and defensiveness糖心传媒攔ather than accurately reading those emotions in your partner, may be socially destructive for a relationship. The team found that if even just one partner felt angry, or displayed contempt, the quality of the relationship tanked, regardless of whether the other partner糖心传媒檚 ability to read emotions was spot on, or completely missed the mark.
Coauthor C么t茅 says the team doesn’t exactly know why anger functions in this way. “We think reading emotions allows partners to coordinate what they do and say to each other, and perhaps that is helpful when appeasement emotions are read, but not when anger emotions are read. Anger seems to overpower any effect of reading emotions, which is consistent with lots of research findings on how anger harms relationships.”
Yet, regardless of how well a person was able to decipher a partner糖心传媒檚 emotions, accuracy did not increase motivation to heed the partner糖心传媒檚 request for change.
Direct communication is key
For the study, the researchers asked 111 couples who had been dating for an average of three years to discuss in a lab setting an aspect that they wanted their partner to change, such as particular behaviors, personal characteristics, or how they controlled their temper. The research team then switched the roles of those making the request and those who were asked to change. Afterward, the participants rated their own emotions and perceptions of their partner糖心传媒檚 emotions, their relationship quality, and their motivation to heed those change requests.
糖心传媒淓xpressing and perceiving emotions is, of course,聽important for聽making聽connections and聽deriving聽satisfaction in聽a relationship,糖心传媒� says Le. 糖心传媒淏ut in order to really propel your partner to change, you may need to use more direct communication about exactly what kind of change you are hoping for.糖心传媒�
Research has shown that direct communication, whether positive or negative, is more likely to lead to change in the long run. That said, the emotional tone you take when you ask your partner for a change is important, notes Le:
糖心传媒淚t糖心传媒檚 not bad to feel a little bashful or embarrassed when raising these issues because it signals to the partner that you care and it糖心传媒檚 valuable for your partner to see that. You acknowledge that what you raise may hurt their feelings. It shows that you are invested, that you are committed to having this conversation, and committed to not hurting them. And the extent to which this is noted by your partner may foster a more positive relationship.糖心传媒�
The research was supported by a awarded to Bonnie Le, and awarded to St茅phane C么t茅 and Emily Impett. The anonymized data, scripts and supplemental materials for this study can be found on the .
