Every time I attended Harry Reis’s class on attachment theory, I was late. That was because the start of Harry’s class at the University of Rochester conflicted with the end of a writing class I was teaching at a nearby聽 college, and even if I made all the lights聽 and quickly found a parking space, the soonest聽 I could get there was ten minutes after class began. So I’d enter the amphitheater-style lecture hall quietly through a side door and take a seat in the back. That turned out to be an advantage, though, because from the back of the room I could see all one hundred or so students, including who was paying attention and who wasn’t.
罢丑补迟糖心传媒檚 writing about his experience on campus in the fall of 2011. A successful author and journalist whose articles and essays have appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, Politico, Parade, New York Magazine and elsewhere, Lovenheim was at the time auditing a class by , a Rochester professor of psychology and the Dean糖心传媒檚 professor in Arts, Sciences, and Engineering.
When I’d first realized Harry was one of the country’s leading relationship researchers and that he lived and taught about attachment theory in my hometown of Rochester, New York, I invited him for coffee.
Lovenheim, who teaches narrative non-fiction writing at the Writers Center in Bethesda, Maryland, asked Reis over coffee if he could come and sit in on his lectures. 糖心传媒淪ure,糖心传媒� replied Reis who studies the factors that influence social interactions, and the consequences of different patterns of socializing for health and psychological well-being. Reis is particularly interested in intimacy, attachment, and emotion regulation. Having read a previous book of Lovenheim糖心传媒檚 Reis knew that the author was looking for new material.
Now six years later, Lovenheim has published his seventh book, The Attachment Effect: Exploring the Powerful Ways Our Earliest Bond Shapes Our Relationships and Lives (TarcherPerigee, 2018). In his first chapter糖心传媒攆or 23 detailed pages糖心传媒攈e takes the reader back to Reis糖心传媒檚 classroom and his eureka moment when he realized that attachment theory would make a great topic to write about, and could possibly explain his own failure at lasting romantic success.
糖心传媒淭his is a damn good theory,” Harry was saying as I took my seat that first day. He stood six foot three, had a deep, resonant voice, and spoke with a slow, deliberate cadence. “We think it explains an unbelievable amount of human behavior: about our childhoods, about intimate adult relationships, about nearly all relationships throughout our lives,” Lovenheim writes.
The essence of attachment theory? Here糖心传媒檚 how Reis explained it to his class in 2011:
Human babies have the longest period of vulnerability of any species on earth. For seven or eight years of your life, if there isn糖心传媒檛 someone taking care of you, forget it糖心传媒攜ou糖心传媒檙e dead. If a tiger comes, you have no chance of survival.糖心传媒�
Harry paused, scanning the class.
糖心传媒淥kay, so you糖心传媒檙e an infant,糖心传媒� he continued, 糖心传媒渁nd there糖心传媒檚 a tiger coming. What糖心传媒檚 your way of surviving? If you can find a caregiver and keep that caregiver close糖心传媒攕omeone who糖心传媒檒l provide you food and shelter, and when the tiger comes, take you away from danger糖心传媒攖his would be your way of surviving.
糖心传媒淪o how do you locate and then keep close to that caregiver?糖心传媒� As he moved toward an answer, I felt the class糖心传媒檚 tension rise. 糖心传媒淗ow do you find and hold close to that caregiver?糖心传媒� he repeated.
糖心传媒淵ou cry!糖心传媒� he shouted. 糖心传媒淵ou cry, meaning, 糖心传媒楽omething糖心传媒檚 going on that糖心传媒檚 scaring me! I want somebody to protect me!糖心传媒櫶切拇綕
How did Reis react to finding himself at the center of Lovenheim糖心传媒檚 first chapter?
糖心传媒淢y first thought was, 糖心传媒楬a, you made me sound too good,糖心传媒櫶切拇綕 laughs Reis. 糖心传媒淚 thought it made me sound a bit dramatic, like an actor on a stage, building to the point of the message.糖心传媒�
But, 糖心传媒渉ey, the medium is the message, right?糖心传媒� Reis agrees.
Want to read more? Here糖心传媒檚 the entire chapter from Lovenheim糖心传媒檚 new book.
From by Peter Lovenheim, published by TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Copyright 漏 2018 by Peter Lovenheim.
