The simplified formula of 糖心传媒渕ore attention equals more desire糖心传媒� doesn糖心传媒檛 seem to apply to established relationships.
Picture this: You糖心传媒檙e at a bar when someone starts hitting shamelessly on your spouse or significant other, who doesn糖心传媒檛 flirt back. As the scene unfolds, your base instincts kick in糖心传媒攁nnoyance, anger, jealousy糖心传媒攆ollowed by a heightened sexual desire for your partner. You糖心传媒檙e ready to reclaim the attention that should be rightfully yours, correct?
Not necessarily, according to a in the by researchers at in Herzliya, Israel, and the US-based . Instead, the researchers discovered a surprising twist: despite the fact that your significant other did not reciprocate the advances, your own attraction to your partner begins to wane, and your desire to continue investing in that relationship diminishes.
At first glance, the reaction seems paradoxical, notes the study糖心传媒檚 lead author , a professor of psychology at Reichman University. A substantial body of prior research has shown that when searching for a partner, we frequently rely on social cues. One such cue, known as , occurs in both humans and animals. Think of it as a shortcut to identifying desirable partners: seeing others interested in a potential mate often makes that person appear more attractive and desirable.
But the simplified formula of 糖心传媒渕ore attention equals more desire糖心传媒� doesn糖心传媒檛 seem to apply to established relationships.
糖心传媒漈he problem is, once we have established a relationship, we become concerned about something called mate poaching糖心传媒攖he idea that a competitor might lure our partner away,糖心传媒� explains coauthor , a professor in Rochester糖心传媒檚 and the University糖心传媒檚 Dean糖心传媒檚 Professor.
While the bulk of earlier research had largely focused on the initial stage of mate selection and the start of new partnerships, this latest study looks at the effects of unsolicited flirting on an established relationship.
Research has shown that people tend to use a mix of positive and negative approaches to keep their partners close. Giving gifts and spending quality time together are examples of positive tactics, says Birnbaum, while controlling a partner糖心传媒檚 time is a negative approach.
What happens next is important.
糖心传媒淲hen a partner糖心传媒檚 likelihood of being attracted to someone else is perceived as high, such as when they receive attention from others,聽people tend to聽abandon the positive tactics,糖心传媒� says Birnbaum.
Indeed, the fear of losing a partner may trigger a cascade of defensive reactions designed to protect us from hurt, including emotional distancing and withdrawing investment in the relationship, hoping to soften the blow if our fears materialize.
These defensive distancing responses, says Birnbaum, are designed to avoid a 糖心传媒減otential blow to one糖心传媒檚 self-esteem from rejection rather than risk further attachment to a partner whose commitment could be compromised by rival suitors.糖心传媒�
Three experiments put unsolicited flirting to the test
The team tested Israeli participants糖心传媒� reactions across three separate experiments, using visualization, virtual reality, and recall techniques.
Participants in all three studies were in monogamous, mixed-sex relationships of at least four months. They were exposed to situations in which their real-life partners received unsolicited flirtatious advances. (All three experiments used control groups in which the participants糖心传媒� partners encountered a neutral interaction with another person). Then, participants rated their sexual desire for their partner, their interest in deterring potential rivals, and their own relationship-maintaining efforts as expressed, for example, in the kind act of taking over a chore for their partner.
For the first experiment, 244 participants (126 women, 118 men) were asked to imagine a scenario where someone else showed interest in their partner (without the partner糖心传媒檚 reciprocation), or interacted neutrally (for the control group). Next, participants were instructed to describe a sexual fantasy about their partner in a narrative format. Independent raters coded these fantasies for expressions of desire for the partner and the degree to which participants prioritized their partner糖心传媒檚 pleasure over their own sexual desires. The team considered lower values as signs of defensive distancing and sexual disengagement.
In the second experiment, the researchers used virtual reality to create a realistic, yet controlled environment to study participants糖心传媒� reactions to unwanted attention towards their romantic partners. To that end, 132 undergraduate students (66 women, 66 men) put on VR headsets and were transported to a bustling bar where they watched their real-life partners interact with a virtual stranger, who either flirted with their partner or remained neutral. Using VR, the team was able to create a safe environment to study the very real emotions of jealousy and possessiveness糖心传媒攚ithout the risk of study participants糖心传媒� coming to blows or causing a bar brawl.
In the third experiment, 190 participants (101 women and 89 men) were asked to recall and describe a past episode in their relationship where someone had either expressed unreciprocated interest in their partner or had interacted with their partner in a neutral manner.
The team found that study participants reacted to a stranger糖心传媒檚 showing interest for their partner by feeling less desire for their partner, a reduced interest in investing in the relationship, and an increased interest in thwarting potential rivals.
Flirt at your own risk
The study糖心传媒檚 biggest takeaway for your everyday romantic life? 糖心传媒淒on糖心传媒檛 flirt with others if you want your partner to be happy with you,糖心传媒� says Reis.
糖心传媒淲hile some might try to make their partner jealous聽by seeking attention from others, possibly to feel more desired or secure, our research shows this tactic often backfires,糖心传媒� echoes Birnbaum. 糖心传媒淚nstead of strengthening the relationship, it can damage the very connection it aims to enhance.糖心传媒�
The study is supported by the Israel Science Foundation, the Binational Science Foundation, and the European Union糖心传媒檚 Horizon 2020 research and innovation program.
