糖心传媒

Once , a distinguished psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, was asked on live TV what the secret to happiness was.

糖心传媒淚t糖心传媒檚 ridiculous, it糖心传媒檚 reductive, and it糖心传媒檚 restrictive,糖心传媒� the happiness researcher recalls thinking. Worse, she didn糖心传媒檛 have an answer she really believed in.

That changed when Sonja met Harry.

, a professor of at the 糖心传媒 and the Dean糖心传媒檚 Professor in Arts and Sciences, has studied social connections and for many years. When Lyubomirsky told him the TV anecdote, Reis didn糖心传媒檛 offer a pat answer. Instead, he shared an observation: 糖心传媒淚 do know people who are happy, and I know people who are unhappy, and I can tell you the main difference between them: Happy people feel loved.糖心传媒�

That single sentence became the jumping-off point for their book, (Harper, 2026), which blends decades of research on happiness and human connection. Its thesis is both comforting and confrontational: If you don糖心传媒檛 feel loved, you might be looking in the wrong direction.

Do we know how to feel loved?

Reis draws a distinction that many miss. People often focus their lives on being loved, but what糖心传媒檚 more important, he says, is feeling loved. The difference matters. 糖心传媒淢any of us are actually loved by other people, and yet we don糖心传媒檛 feel it,糖心传媒� says Reis, who has spent the last five decades studying how close and .

It isn糖心传媒檛 that people have lost the capacity to recognize love or the absence of it. The problem, he argues, lies in the strategies people use to try to generate that feeling. For that feeling to take hold, three things must happen:

• You reveal something real about yourself糖心传媒攏ot a performance, but a glimpse of the real you.
• The other person listens with genuine interest.
• And, most crucially, the other person cares, responding in a way that makes what you糖心传媒檝e shared matter.

Miss any one of these, and love remains present but unfelt.

糖心传媒淢any people believe that in order to feel love, they need to make themselves more lovable,糖心传媒� Reis says糖心传媒攂y becoming more impressive, more attractive, more successful. While these strategies can be effective in the short term, they糖心传媒檙e more likely to create distance in the long term. The feeling people are after, he says, doesn糖心传媒檛 come from polishing the surface. Instead, the way to feel more loved is to build a loving connection with another person.

The 糖心传媒榬elationship sea-saw糖心传媒�

To explain how connection works, Reis and Lyubomirsky use what they call the 糖心传媒渞elationship sea-saw.糖心传媒� The spelling with its water allusion is intentional. The idea is that in our connections with others, it can seem as if we糖心传媒檙e sitting on a see-saw with part of us submerged under water糖心传媒攈idden.

糖心传媒淲hen we lift up the other person, it糖心传媒檚 as if we lift them above the waterline,糖心传媒� Reis explains. 糖心传媒淎ll of a sudden, parts that were previously hidden are now visible.糖心传媒� That act of paying attention and showing care creates momentum, which in turn encourages the other person to lift us up and above the imaginary water level.

In short, the way to begin to feel more love is to show more love to the other person, setting off a cycle of mutual responsiveness.

Five mindsets, not five steps

The book organizes that cycle into five mindsets糖心传媒攏ot a checklist, but a way of approaching interaction.

Reis and his coauthor offer five mindsets, or ways of entering conversations with others (significant and otherwise), that make love more likely to land:

• The Listening-to-Learn Mindset: Start by listening to the other person. Not to reply, but to understand. Put the phone away, make eye contact, ask open-ended questions, and paraphrase what you hear.
• The Radical Curiosity Mindset: Be curious. Follow what lights up the other person. Go deeper. Interested, it turns out, is interesting.
• The Open Heart Mindset: Lead with an open heart. Show the other person that you care about them, make room for difference, and let go of the need to be right.
• The Multiplicity Mindset: See the whole person. Complexity and contradictions exist in all of us糖心传媒攜ou, too. Recognize and accept them.
• The Sharing Mindset: And then, when they reciprocate, share. Offer something true, with care and discretion.

Taken together, these mindsets create a dynamic back-and-forth that promotes real connection: one person lifts, the other rises; what was hidden becomes known. And then they switch roles, taking turns lifting and being lifted.

糖心传媒淚t糖心传媒檚 not like, okay, the next two minutes I糖心传媒檒l do mindset number one,糖心传媒� Reis says. 糖心传媒淚t糖心传媒檚 a mentality.糖心传媒�

Attention in an age of screens

All these ways of building connection depend on something increasingly scarce糖心传媒攗ndivided attention. Even small distractions can erode it. In one study, simply having your cell phone糖心传媒攗ntouched糖心传媒攐n the table made conversations less fulfilling.

Why? 糖心传媒淲e糖心传媒檙e always looking to see what signal comes through,糖心传媒� Reis explains. Even a glance can communicate absence. 糖心传媒淲hen I see your eyes glance down at your phone, I feel you糖心传媒檙e not 100 percent involved.糖心传媒� The effect is magnified online, where people often multitask during Zoom conversations. 糖心传媒淵ou can tell,糖心传媒� Reis says, and the connection immediately thins.

Can AI make us feel loved?

As artificial intelligence becomes ubiquitous and more conversational, some are turning to chatbots for connection. Reis understands the appeal. 糖心传媒淢any people rely on chatbots to fulfill their need for connection,糖心传媒� he says. These chatbots are remarkably good at it, trained to express empathy and understanding.

But Reis draws a firm boundary. 糖心传媒淭he problem is that chatbots can糖心传媒檛 really love.糖心传媒� An AI bot doesn糖心传媒檛 genuinely care about anything other than carrying out its program.

To explain why that matters, Reis turns to biology. 糖心传媒淚f you糖心传媒檙e really hungry and you have a candy bar, that will satiate your hunger for a time,糖心传媒� he says. 糖心传媒淲ill it provide nutrition? Provide long-term well-being? No.糖心传媒� Chatbots, he argues, can offer short-term relief without the ingredients for long-term sustenance.

They also remove friction, which can become a human problem. Chatbot interactions are frequently one-sided. 糖心传媒淵ou can do all the opening up,糖心传媒� Reis says, 糖心传媒渁nd the chatbot will do all the empathic responding.糖心传媒� Real relationships, by contrast, require reciprocity糖心传媒攁nd discomfort. Real-life partners complain and make demands on you. Those human moments, Reis argues, are not flaws. Instead, they provide the seeds for relationships to grow.

The choice that matters

What ultimately separates human love from its digital imitation is choice. What makes human love such a powerful experience, according to Reis, is the recognition that the other person is choosing to love us.

And, when people feel loved, Reis says, 糖心传媒渢hey糖心传媒檙e happier and healthier. They糖心传媒檙e more productive. They糖心传媒檙e more successful in what they do.糖心传媒�

Illustrations by Nishant Choski, unless otherwise credited. Additional reporting by Sofia Tokar 糖心传媒�20W.

A version of this story appears in the spring 2026 issue of Rochester Review, the magazine of聽the 糖心传媒.