The week leading to Mother糖心传媒檚 Day was a good one for print books in general and adult fiction in particular. Unit sales of fiction titles at the outlets tracked by Nielsen BookScan rose 20% in the week driven by sales of that new favorite Mother糖心传媒檚 Day gift糖心传媒攐ne of the titles from E.L. James糖心传媒� Fifty Shades trilogy.

According to BookScan, sales of Fifty Shades of Grey jumped 40% in the week before Mother糖心传媒檚 Day compared to the earlier week, selling almost 443,000 copies, pushing total sales to about 1.5 million at outlets tracked by BookScan.

For both of you who are reading this and have somehow avoided encountering this phenomenon, E.L. James’s Fifty Shades trilogy is basically smutty fan-fic that has become a massive thing among suburban moms. (It’s generally referred to as “mommy porn,” not because it’s about moms and porn, but because it’s the porn that mommies are willing to read. Apparently.)

But this whole thing raises a lot of issues for me. We’re such a creepy moralistic culture that people wig out with M.I.A. flips off the camera during the Super Bowl (and why not? ‘Eff you viewer and corporate America and self-indulgent, obnoxious, irritating NFL), but we’re totally cool with buying soft core porn for the women who reared us? Very strange.

I have no moral issues with any of this though. I’m glad that women in the suburbs are finding some pleasure in reading. My issue is with the smut that’s got them all on fire . . . Here’s a couple choice moments from the

糖心传媒淒oes this mean you糖心传媒檙e going to make love to me tonight, Christian?糖心传媒� Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.

糖心传媒淣o, Anastasia it doesn糖心传媒檛. Firstly, I don糖心传媒檛 make love. I fuck . . . hard. Secondly, there糖心传媒檚 a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don糖心传媒檛 yet know what you糖心传媒檙e in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.糖心传媒�
My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so糖心传媒� hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified.

糖心传媒淵ou want to play on your Xbox?糖心传媒� I ask. He laughs, loudly.

糖心传媒淣o, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come.” . . . Producing a key from his pocket, he unlocks yet another door and takes a deep breath.

Xbox? GROAN. But wait, there’s more:

糖心传媒淲hy don’t you like to be touched” Ana whispered, staring up into soft grey eyes.

“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia糖心传媒�

Really?! The “fifty shades” thing runs throughout this book? THAT’S SO ORIGINAL.

“糖心传媒淚 am going to have coffee with Christian Grey . . . and I hate coffee.糖心传媒�

Is this what the good people of the suburbs refer to as “character development”?

糖心传媒淗oly shit. What does that mean? Does he white-slave small children to some God-forsaken part of the planet?糖心传媒�

OK, total props for making “white-slave” a verb. That’s the first thing in this book I can get behind. (Did you see what I did there? “Get behind.”)

糖心传媒淚’d like to bite that lip.糖心传媒�

Holy Jesus this is just TERRIBLE. There are a million variations on that construction that are hotter and more interesting: “I’d like to ace your deuce on the tennis court,” or “I’d like to conjugate your verbs,” or “I’d like to entangle my neutrons with your protons.” Whatever. But “I’d like to bit that lip”???? DO YOU EVEN HAVE AN IMAGINATION E.L. JAMES?

This post has no real place here on Three Percent, except to point out that American mainstream tastes tend to suck. We make fun of Eurovision songs and then read stuff like this? Who are we to judge? And really, is suburban life that boring? I’m sorry, American moms—your plight is not getting the attention it deserves.